I went to lunch with a friend yesterday, & she said something that was…funny (for lack of a better phrase) to me. She said “when I grow up, I want to be like you. You love Jesus, Jesus loves you. You have a blog. You have all the confidence in the world. Nothing ever phases you…” Now, this was funny to me for a few reasons. First, I never really saw myself as somebody people would have to “grow up” to be (I feel I’m pretty basic lol). There’s also the fact that the journey of my confidence is something that we’ll talk about in a later post (because baaaaaaaby let me tell you! lol). I realized, however, that most of what she saw in me wasn’t a result of some magical ability I have to get everything in order; I believe it’s just the fact that I’ve been hurt enough to learn to let go.
I’ve been in law school for four weeks now (please, hold your applause lol), and if I haven’t learned anything else, I’ve learned that NOTHING draws out insecurities like law school. Everybody feels like the rest of the class knows something they don’t. Everybody feels like they’ve missed something. In one way or another, everybody’s lost (which is terrible when you’re used to being the one that knows everything). Everybody is confused, and just trying to figure out how to survive and get to the other side. While it may appear that everybody knows exactly what the professor is talking about, or how to do….everything you can’t, that’s not the truth. While it seems like God has, for whatever reason, prepared everybody else for this and left you to figure it out on your own, He hasn’t. I had to learn all of this very quickly, because if I hadn’t I would’ve given up the very thing God gave me: the ability to run my own race.
I believe that one of the most quoted scriptures in the church (well, in my church experience) is Psalm 37:23 ("the steps of a good man are order by the Lord.."). Just about any preacher can shout you into a frenzy with that scripture alone, because it's a reminder that you're not walking through the storm on your own. It reminds you that God has a plan and that there's a purpose for your pain! While all of that is true, I want to be the person that hits you with reality when the shout is over (stay with me, I'm going somewhere good lol).
So I had the chance to speak on a panel for a back to school event last week. I love speaking on panels. I love public speaking in general, because every time I speak, I end up doing some kind of life reflection (which I also really love to do just to remind myself of the growth). On my way there, I thought about how much of a church kid I am. I’ve been in church all of my life. I’ve spent just about every Sunday of my life in somebody’s church. So much so to the point that it feels sooooo weird to not go on Sundays (like…what else do you on Sunday mornings?). There aren’t many things that I know better than I know church. Growing up, I could play church very well (academy award levels of well lol). I love music, so I knew when to jump around & bounce when the shouting/dancing music came up. I knew the typically shouting parts of service (most popular: right before the offering & when pastor has wrapped up his sermon). I knew when to stop walking. I knew when to sit, and when to stand. I knew when to lift my hands. I knew how to look and how to respond. I knew to always give honor to God who’s the head of my life, then the pastor & first lady, before I got up to say certain things (or to say 'the house has been addressed’ if 50 people had given honor before). I knew ALL of that. I knew every step of the protocol. I knew what to do and when to do it. But for the decades I’d spent in church Sunday….after Sunday….after Sunday…I couldn’t tell you who God was to me. How on Earth does that happen? It's actually quite simple: I knew church before I knew Jesus.
Words from the Author
At the end of the day, these posts are the thoughts that run through my mind. These are the lessons I've learned. The doors that I've walked through. The path I've chosen. This is part of what it means to be me. Hopefully, it'll help you be...you. Let's grow together, kay?
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