Less than 24 hours ago, I felt pretty broken. I felt like I was out of options. And so, I did what I always tend to do when I get frustrated with life, and quite frankly, frustrated with faith: I fussed at God. I told Him that I was confused. I did everything church taught me to do. The faith that I had was completely dedicated to this issue. Three different doors…all shut. Three different opportunities for breakthrough. Three different ways that I saw a way out. THREE. Not one, THREE. Bouncing back after one setback is cool. It’s what I expect myself to do. I’ve been churched enough to throw my rocks like David. I know how to pull on the faith of Abraham. See it before you see it, etc. Cool…got that…but what do you do when EVERY door you thought God was going to use to pull you out of the fire is shut? Like, really God? EVERY door?
This is where I was, so, I fussed at God. Now, this may go against everything that your Big Mama told you about Jesus (because we are not to question the Savior, right? sorry…not sorry), but when I get upset, I get a little…loud with God. Not disrespectful, I’m just the regular “GOD I NEED TO TALK TO YOU” voice that rings up from the earth. I told God that I didn’t get it. I’ve been reading the Bible all of my life, so I know that it says I’m the lender & not the borrower. I know that it says that all things work together for me. I know that it says that whatever I ask in your name shall be done. I know all of that. Not only can I quote it, but God, I can open a bible & show you exactly where it says that. And that’s just the Bible! We haven’t even gotten to the things you said straight to me! Yet here I am. The Lender with the only option of being a borrower. Everything, most specifically time, is working against me. I say “in Jesus’ name after every prayer”…and the response I’ve received is absolutely nothing like what I hoped for. God, I’m done. I don’t know what you expect me to do. I don’t know what there is to do. I told myself that this was all a set up for your glory. You set it up to where I wouldn’t depend on people that said they’d help me. I told myself that this was it. This is the moment. This is the freedom. This is the end of the struggle. This is the day of my miracle!…and I feel like you’ve hit me with a big “ORRRRRR NAAHHHH”. I’m helping all of these people, and nobody’s here to really help me. Nobody really…gets it. I’m watching all of these people get delivered. I’m watching you pull all of these people through.What’s the point of going through this if the end result is something that I was planning to do a year ago anyway? I appreciate you for speaking to me, but why would you tell me that this is going to happen….and let me end up here? God, you’re supposed to do exceeding abundantly. This here? It’s not exceeding or abundant of anything good. Where’s my breakthrough? Where’s my fulfilled promise? Quite frankly, I didn't ask for this. I was comfortable with normal until you promised me greater. Where’s my greater? (I told y’all I was mad)
…and when I stopped sounding off, He started speaking…
Various people tried to encourage me, but I didn’t need their encouragement. There are moments when nobody can bring you out. People will love you until the day of Jesus’ return…and still not understand where you’re going through or what’s happening in your head. People said “well maybe in a few months, maybe in a year”…but that didn’t match up to the urgency that I felt in my soul. I feel like when people say something that is God’s plan for your life, your soul should agree, you know? Something inside of you should be at peace with that. Beyond your desires, etc., your spirit should agree when God’s word is spoken into your life. Your flesh may fight it, but your spirit shouldn't fight it. I needed to hear from God. I wanted plans. Detailed plans. What’s the end game? How do I get there? How do I get what you’ve told me, God? Because what’s normal for others is no longer acceptable for me (all because YOU said something to me!). As I sat in silence with countless tears falling from my face, I heard God speak.
“Your breakthrough is in your resiliency.” It’s in your ability to push back. You’ve got to have faith ANYWAY. It doesn’t make sense. It’s not supposed to make sense. Faith that makes sense is not faith at all, it’s great logic. This season of your life is not here to expand your logic, it’s here to expand your faith.
Throughout this entire journey, I’ve been taking notes. Writing down the various lessons I’ve learned so I have topics & stories for the blog. Pages of pages full of revelations, etc that I’ve gathered over the past few months. I wrote them all down because when the time came, I wanted to do something fancy on here with them. Y’all, when I got hit like that yesterday, I forgot all about those notes. Isn’t that funny? How we take all of these notes in church…and don’t think to apply them to our lives after benediction? Anyway, after I got done fussing at God, He reminded me of all of those notes. Then, He asked me if those lessons were null and void because I was bruised. Since He didn’t do what I wanted Him to do how I wanted Him to do it, would He not be worthy of my worship? You worship God for who He is, not what He does, right? So if this for whatever reason doesn’t work out the way you want it to, does He automatically lose His God status? Does your disappointment grant you the right to snatch His God card? The only way your struggle is a failure is if you haven't learned anything on the journey. Never be so focused on the blessing that you don't value or gather any wisdom on the way there.
The interesting thing about all of this to me is that it never felt...final. I’m at home, trying to take what’s in front of me (not what He has, what they gave)...completely confused. You’re supposed to know when a battle is finished. You know when God has said something is over. So later on, I had a lovely, less angry chit chat with God, and He told me that it doesn’t feel final because it’s not final. It’s not over until you are the winner. Does it hurt? Oh yeah. Does it look bad? Yepperz. But that in no way means that it is final. There are some people who feel in their spirit that God has something bigger and better for them. They don’t know how to get to it, but they know it exist. There’s a promise, a breakthrough, a vision that you have that nobody else has. People that see what makes sense, and choose to follow the spiritual. There are also people out there who are just flat out tired. People who have considered (or even tried) to give up and just let everything fall. People who want to just…let go because it takes too much work, and effort, and energy to fight. I’ve been both of those people (all in one day), and those are the people that I want to talk to today.
In the midst of my anger, in the midst of my confusion, in the midst of what I could’ve easily taken as defeat, I was reminded of Ephesians 6:13-14: "and having done all, to stand, stand therefore”. Or in the words of the saints of old, after you’ve done all to stand, suga stand anyhow. Don’t just stand, though, stand in God’s armor (v. 14-17). Stand in Him. When you stand in His truth, what the world says doesn’t matter. When you stay in His shadow, He’ll cover you and be your fortress. Your worship can’t be determined by how you feel or what you see. Your worship can’t be determined by what God can do or what you want him to do. You have to worship God based on who He is. Even when your world is crashing around you, He’s still a shelter. Even though it’s not making sense, He still has a plan. He is the ultimate example of what it means to be unshakable, unstoppable, and unchangeable. Worship Him based on who He is, and see if He doesn’t let you walk away from His presence with peace, confidence, and a little more joy.
Finally, it’s sooooo important to recognize what you’ve placed your faith in. A lot of times, we place our faith in things and ask God to work through that. That’s why we get so discouraged when that plan falls through. Have faith in the end result (the promise), not a plan or destination. Unless God has given you a specific way, have faith in how it'll end. Trust me. It's too much work to try to figure out how it'll work. Just trust that it'll work. Remind yourself that you’re chosen. I may be down right now, but I'm chosen. It may not look good, but I’m chosen. You may not understand why I have faith when the situation appears to be over, but I’m chosen. I'm chosen for this miracle. I'm chosen for this season. I'm chosen with purpose.
It may look like it’s over. It may appear to be destroyed by the enemy, but what you see is not always what it is. You’ve heard about Jesus, right? He was dead. They beat Him and hung him on a cross. He appeared to be done (allow me to reiterate that the man was dead). But that was only Friday night. Jesus endured the cross on Friday night because He knew what would happen on Sunday morning. You may very well be in Friday night, but trust and believe that Sunday morning is coming. Stay strong and be encouraged! He's got you. He's always had you. He will always have you. "Lift up your heads oh ye gates and be ye lifted up!"...Sunday morning is on it's way.
Background Music for the Week: And You Never Will - Anthony Brown & group therAPy feat. Maurette Brown Clark (sidenote: the entire Everyday Jesus album jams...that is all lol)
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At the end of the day, these posts are the thoughts that run through my mind. These are the lessons I've learned. The doors that I've walked through. The path I've chosen. This is part of what it means to be me. Hopefully, it'll help you be...you. Let's grow together, kay?
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